Imagine “Rainbow Brite.”
Blonde hair, clashing blinding colors, riding rainbows on a horsie. Got it?
Now instead of a magical pixie who uses the power of color to spread a message of hope, she’s a teenage girl with a funky sense of style who is challenged by mean girls in her school.
How about “ALF”?
Sarcastic alien from Melmac who lived with the Tanners with a taste for kitties?
How would you feel with they rebooted the character as an unpopular, normal teenager from the planet Earth who is just looking for acceptance, but wants to stay true to who he is?
Would you consider these updates on the horrific side? Abominations? Unnecessary?
Slightly traumatic to your fond childhood memories?
Now you know how I feel about the new Jem and the Holograms movie.
Updated by Blumhouse in an attempt of ostracize both fans of the original series and millennials they don’t seem to understand, the new Jem is anything but truly outrageous.
She’s bland. Dull. She’s Miley Cyrus with a pink fetish. She’s an everyday teen. Ordinary.
Where is Synergy, her super computer that gave her powers to become Jem? Where are the Misfits, the awesome rival punk band with a saxophone player? Where is the Starlight Foundation and all those orphans Jem helped out? Why is Jacqui Benton still alive?
Some many questions, and only one answer: Because in this modern update, execs felt that the new Jem would better relate to audiences if you made her an everyday average gal. A YouTube sensation who falls victim to Juliette Lewis.
In the original cartoon, Jerrica and her sister Kimber had to overcome the death of their parents and terrible names to make their way in the world. But luckily, Jerrika’s clever dad left the twentysomething a magic computer with the ability create realistic holograms. So, Jerrika used to become a rock star and used her fame to help the orphan’s home her parents founded.
Somewhere in this mess were the Misfits, a punk rock band hellbent on taking down Jem and the Holograms because of…whatever. I don’t know. It wasn’t well thought out. But they were awesome and their songs were better.
Yes. It was ridiculous. But no more than a high school in space, a leather daddy with a magical sword and green tiger, or a village of little blue creatures that lived in mushrooms.
Keep in mind, this was a cartoon that was created for the sole purpose of selling dolls. Not to relate to the lives of little girls. And despite this, girls rallied around the character. This was a superhero for the Saturday morning crowd that preferred ponies over tanks and bunnies over battles.
And it rocked.
Corporate greed inspired creativity and gave us a lady superhero for the ‘80s. Now it’s turned on us by taking her away.
According to the trailer, Jem is gone. Her legacy, her powers and her amazing sense of style are gone. According to the new trailer, the original Jem was a shared fever dream we all had two decades ago.
Left in her place is a wannabe teen star who may or may not even like the color pink.
Show’s over, Synergy.
