I’m usually not one for nostalgia.
I have an entire section of my blog dedicated to the “classic” 60’s Spider-Man cartoon, and that show was invented by a group of people having an argument over which one hated their kids most.
I know that, sometimes old trends were stopped for a reason, either because they’ve always sucked or they started to suck.
I’ve decided upon three particular, once popular, horror sub-genres that should be brought back.
Oh yeah, the chances of them being awful sometimes are still there. But, also the chances of them being awesome are there too. And those are chances that I’m willing to take.
Always believe in awesome, kids.
“House Of (Insert Horror Character Here)” Movies
There’s a fixation today with putting vampires and werewolves in the same movie.
However, this is not a new thing by any means. Back in the 1940’s, there were a lot of movies where horror characters/species were put together. And it wasn’t for reasons like “a war between the species that’s lasted for ages” or “some pale girl is pouting on my chest.” No, they’d put these guys together for the most bat shit reasons available.
Dracula would hire Doctor Frankenstein to create a serum for everlasting life. The Wolfman would be Dracula’s assistant. Meanwhile, Igor is helping the Frankenstein monster regain his eye sight. Dracula would put his mind control on the Frankenstein Monster and then the Wolfman would end up fighting both the Monster and Dracula (when he eventually turned against him.) Dracula gets the serum for life, but ends up being buried when the lab explodes because Igor is betraying Dracula, who he’s always secretly worked for.
Want to make a sequel?
The villagers dig them out just to make sure that they’re all dead. It’s the simple formula of having no formula at all.
See what I mean?
You don’t need reasons when you have this many ridiculous monsters.
Want to add the Mummy? Looks like the scientist lab is above a secret burial ground.
Creature From The Black Lagoon need a cameo? Frankenstein’s monster is stomping through the swamp and the Gill-Man is pissed about it.
And Stephen King makes an appearance as a pizza delivery guy.
Hollywood, I can hear your call.
“Luchadores Fighting Evil” Movies
Believe it or not, there was once a time where, if you wanted to become a superhero or paranormal detective, all you needed was a wrestling mask, a cape and a decent cross chop.
If I was a child brought up in the 1960’s, I would’ve certainly dreamed of being a Mexican Wrestler/Vampire Wrestler when I grew up.
We need these movies to be popular again for a few reasons.
Reason 1: I don’t want to sound like someone who will cuddle only after the fifth date, but it’s the perception of the fantastical versus the perception of the fantastical with these films. People argue over how fake pro wrestling is all the time. People also argue about how fake vampires or werewolves or zombies might be. When you put them together, it begs the question: can someone who trains in magical fighting fight something magical? Or, in plainer terms, will El Santo have enough folding chairs to beat El Vampiro’s undead army? Shit’s deep.
Reason 2: They’re going to be low-budget. Money for explosions or a star studded cast? Unnecessary. They’re pro-wrestlers. They handle matters in the most humanly honest way possible, which is by slamming it into the ground until it gives up. How much cooler would it be if we didn’t have to wait for Kate Beckinsale to stab the Lycan in the correct place when you can have a Mil Mascaras-esque guy twist it’s ankle until it cries? Van Helsing would’ve been half as long if Hugh Jackman had just learned how to give a proper German Suplex.
Reason 3: Romantic subplots are so much easier to get through. If someone is attracted to a giant man in spandex and Lucha Libre face wear, the reason for said attraction has got to be pretty easy to find out. She doesn’t have to talk about how she’s been hurt in the past or how she’s looking for “the one.” All she has to say is “I’m into some pretty weird stuff.” I don’t know the name if the specific ‘philia for being sexually attracted to men dressed up like Black Vulcan, but I’m pretty sure that you can find it in the encyclopedia entry for “Acceptance” and “Nice.”
“Girls In Bikinis With Dinosaurs” Movies
Often times, history classes tend to skip the time period where all women were super-hot, and fought Allosauruses in skimpy swim and jungle wear. I’m not sure why this is left out, though the reason probably is that the fossil record is way less interesting when you have boners to worry about. But we’re all adults here. We can take a little hotness with our dinosaur action. And that’s why this sub-genre needs to return, because what better way to make a movie more simple and accessible then to add scantily clad beauties to it. (Author’s Note: Before I changed it to the correct word, “add” was mistakenly written as “ass.” That’s what I’m talking about. Hoping to see someone who looks like a vintage Raquel Welch take a spear to a prehistoric crab beast gets complete precedence over things like correct spelling and every other thing.)
.
If you’re dealing with stuff that happens that long ago, how you got there usually deals with time travel, or the movie is just set entirely in that era.
In the former, you have to deal with a tricky thing called “exposition” and exposition is only interesting when a girl is trying to tell you how she “just happened” to show up at the same bar you’re at.
However, when you have someone who’s an insane level of sexy, like a Scarlett Johansson-type woman, who would be dressed in museum lingerie and has the need to ride a Triceratops, lack of explanation for how stuff got that way can be forgiven.
Trust me on this one. I’m a writer.
