A package arrived in the mail the other day. It was a Blu-ray copy of the film ‘Beastly’ and I felt many things run through my mind. Would this tween-emo version of Beauty and the Beast be anywhere near decent? Could it even be possible?
Granted I’m probably not “the audience” for such a film. This film is probably aimed at thirteen year old girls who enjoy watching High School Musical‘s Vanessa Hudgens in “new adult roles.” I enjoy seeing High School Musical‘s Vanessa Hudgens in those candid phone pictures you see floating around the Internet…but that’s just me.
There’s two things I did consider.
Number one: Never judge a book by its cover.
Sometimes art can transcend. Obviously Star Wars was built for a specific audience (re: kids) but everyone went to see that film, didn’t they? Why? Cause that movie rocked!
Wait…I’m comparing Beastly to Star Wars and I know that’s not the case. No one was RUNNING to the theaters to wait 8 hours in line to see Beastly. I KNOW THAT. But I’m just saying that sometimes movies are more gooderer. Sometimes even if you are not the intended audience a film can be fun!
Number two: What’s old is new again.
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| An old fashioned version of the story. |
Walt Disney did not invent Beauty and the Beast.
The concept goes back like at least 43 years or something. Hollywood loves to redo concept over and over again. For God’s sake there is a remake of Footloose coming this November! FOOTLOOSE!
Now they are remaking eighties movies! Lord knows they’ve already remade both Can’t Buy Me Love AND Caddyshack 2 but those were “urban” sequels. I don’t think it counts when they remake films as urban sequels.
Shakespeare’s been redone – take 10 Things I Hate About You for example. It was a tween comedy movie. It was a “remake” of The Taming of the Shrew. It was…AWESOME!
Not only was it what is old is now new but it actually rocked as well – thus fulfilling two of my meager requirements. Sure you had a killer cast like Julia Stiles, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Heath Ledger but you can always snag a great cast and have a craptacular movie (I’m still looking at you, Caddyshack 2).
I have no clue if any of this even makes sense but this is the diarrhea dialogue that runs through my head as I look at the Beastly cover. When I flip over to the back I almost giggle with glee. Do you know what I see? I see that both Neil Patrick Harris AND Mary-Kate Olsen are both in this movie.
Yes NPH…Barney Stinson…Doogie Friggin Howser…is in this movie!
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| “Beast….wait for it….ly” |
With one of the Olsen twins!
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| Why is that Beastly guy always in the background? |
Okay I do realize that NPH will branch away from How I Met Your Mother to do feature films.
I usually like the ones that have the words “Harold” and “Kumar” in the title. If you’ve seen Undercover Brother and NPH’s awesome turn as Lance the white intern OR NPH’s stunning performance as Nazi Jedi Psychic Carl Jenkins in the classic Starship Troopers you know he has the acting chops. You’ve also seen him in commercials for the live-action The Smurfs movie and know that…yeah…he will whore himself out for a new car.
Not just any car, either. NPH is not riding around town in a Nissan.
So this dude Kyle is popular, rich, and good-looking. He pisses off this ugly skank of a girl (played by Mary-Kate Olsen looking like, well, like she does in the National Enquirer weekly) who is actually A WITCH! How does Skank make Kyle pay? She turns him into a total emo dude with badass scars and killer tattoos!
That’s making him into “The Beast?”
Okay, I mean, he’s not rich anymore. He’s certainly not good-looking. But in a Marilyn Manson way he’s totally kickass! Marilyn Manson certainly can’t play music so what is stopping Kyle from forming his own badass heavy metal group and riding his newfound look all the way to the top of the music charts? NOTHING except he’s a total d-bag who sulks that he’s not good looking anymore.
So he needs to find a girl who will tell him she loves him.
Vanessa Hudgens is in it so it must be her.
90 minutes of boring later she says “I love you” and he turns back to good looking. The credits roll and they are seen in a equally boring montage of happy photos.
MAN even just describing what happens in the movie for four whole sentences bores me to tears. Is the movie “that bad?” YES!
Should I be surprised? NO!
Should I have turned away even though Neil Patrick Harris plays a blind tutor who helps Kyle see the error of his ways? YES!
Did I waste 90 minutes of my life figuring all of that out? HELL YES!
I tried.
I honestly did try. But in the end this horrible movie just turns out to be everything I knew it already was. Why I just didn’t turn on a rerun of Cops is behind me.
At least next week I sit down with Jason Gann, star and co-creator of the incredible new FX comedy Wilfred, and talk about naked Elijah Wood. But I guess I’ll save that for next week.
Should anyone care (and please PLEASE don’t): Beastly is out in stores June 28th.
