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| Review by Elizabeth Weitz |
Oh, the wee early 90s, how incredibly 80s you were.
Loud colors, ridiculous fashion, really bad white rappers emulating M.C. Hammer, damn it was some beautifully banal days (wipes away tear). But what really made the early 90s the early 90s was one Robert Matthew Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) who exploded on the public scene with his plagiarized beats song Ice Ice Baby back in 1990 and made such a loud splash that movie producers scrambled to create a project to capture his mad skillz.
And that offering was Cool As Ice, a hot mess of a movie that looked as if it were the digested remains of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose and the first season of A Different World (even though it was supposed to be a loosely constructed rap remake of The Wild One…you know, that great 1953 biker movie starring Marlon Brandon in which HE KICKED CINEMATIC ASS?).
The barely constructed plot consists on one Johnny Van Owen who inexplicably arrives in a small town after some kind of warehouse rap battle and meets high school honor student Kathy by JUMPING HIS MOTORCYCLE OVER A FENCE AND SPOOKING HER HORSE. Of course, in this scenario Kathy finds herself attracted to Johnny (after picking herself off the ground sans spinal injury) and naturally flings herself in his direction.
After the love match occurs, Johnny and his rapping cohorts need to fix a motorcycle at the local repair shop that also doubles as some kind of B and B/Art Gallery (seriously, its completely fucked up) and commence eating sandwiches and playing around with over-sized salt shakers.
To help spur on the plot (and the budding romance with a girl with obvious low self-esteem) they do a spontaneous show at some Nerd Bar that is apparently so mind-blowing that white people start discovering their inner rhythm. It’s also important to note that Johnny also spends most of the movie running interference with some crooked former cops out to get Kathy’s dad (who is in Witness Protection), getting into a fight with Kathy’s boyfriend, dances and makes out with Kathy at an abandoned building site, stalks Kathy in various ways (by keeping her organizer from her and sneaking into her bedroom while she sleeps), is mistaken for one of the goons threatening Kathy’s dad and finally wins the day via some showdown so completely forgettable that even now, WHILE WATCHING IT, I can’t even seem to remember what is happening right in front of me.
Then, as celebration for a job well done, there’s some kind of extended dance battle/rap thing in another warehouse somewhere because of course there is.
The End.
Now, I know you might be thinking “Wow, that sounds fantastic, I should definitely pick up a copy for myself” but don’t, at least not without a protective layer of snark to insulate you from its horribleness. The only thing that makes this movie remotely palatable is the Rifftrax edition, brought to you by the guys who helped to make Mystery Science Theater 3000 the only show worth staying home on a Saturday night for.
To view Cool As Ice without hearing comments like:
Your brain will explode from stupidity and you don’t want that. Unless you do, in which, go ahead and enjoy lines like: Drop that zero and get with the hero! before the darkness of eternity swallows your soul.
However, if you value your life, then the only way to complete this movie start-to-finish is by pairing it with a nice glass of Rifftrax. The bouquet is dry, funny and filled with the deep flavor of snark:
That will help keep the exchange of movie dialog like:
From coming back up.
So please, do yourself a favor, if you feel a need to visit the Pre-Bill Clinton years via Cool As Ice, (which you totally should just for the fashion choices alone…biker shorts with dresses, awesome) do so through Rifftrax,.
You’ll thank me.
