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Five Things That Woke Me in the Night Throughout the Week

Let’s see what I fixated on in the dead of night at various times throughout this past week…

1.    Why can’t my Pikachu be as awesome as the one on TV?

No matter the game, try as I might, I can never seem to catch, train or trade a Pikachu that is actually worth a shit.

That Pikachu on TV?

That asshole is one episode from curing genital herpes. Meanwhile, all of mine, at best, are just… OK.

And don’t give me that horse shit about the one on the cartoon being special. I’ve taken down Team Rocket, Team Plasma and Team Flare. Alone!

If anyone deserves a special Pikachu it’s me!

Goddamnit, it’s me…

2.    Will I ever find a buyer for my complete run of Force Works comics?

As a comic fan who came of age in the early to mid 90s, I bought a lot of crap. Seriously, a lot.

Looking back at my comic collection from my teenage years, I totally get why my mom thought I was pissing her hard earned money away on comics that are all but unreadable these days. And as someone who’s recently been selling comics here and there online, I keep wondering if I’m wasting my time looking for that one person who really needs a complete run of Force Works.

What’s Force Works, you ask? Basically it was the exact same thing as West Coast Avengers but, since it was the 90s, it was EXTREME!!!!!

And it sucked. Hard.

The stories are terrible and the art is even worse.

You know what? I think I just answered my own question.

3.    What makes one a warlock these days?

No one is currently able to actually define what constitutes a warlock anymore as far as I’m concerned.

I used to operate under the assumption that a warlock was the male equivalent of a witch, but then Harry Potter went and established that while girls are witches, boys are wizards.

So what is a warlock? Is being a warlock good or is being a warlock bad?

Is it something I want to be or is it something I want to avoid being?

4.    Will I ever realize my dream of wrestling Ted DiBiase for the Million Dollar Championship at Wrestlemania?

Well, let’s see…

I’m in my mid thirties. I have zero training as a wrestler. I have zero athletic ability. I don’t have any name recognition beyond being snarky on various geek-centric websites.

Oh, and Ted DiBiase has been retired for decades.

I’m not gonna say I’m giving up on this one, just that I’m not going to hold my breath. But if Vince McMahon is reading this and needs a snarky online commentator to sub in…

5.    Should I have done hard drugs?

Seriously, I want to know. As a writer, did I do myself a disservice by not dabbling in ecstasy, cocaine, LSD, heroin, or opium for at least a little while like many of the greats?


Don’t everyone chime in all at once…

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