Cruises are not just for octogenarians anymore.
Well, that’s a lie. They totally are.
But now you can add to the excitement of all-you-can-eat buffets and shuffleboard with KISS! Or vampires! Or Richard Simmons!
Themed cruises have moved beyond the single sect, swingers and people who are looking for love in Bermuda shorts. You can now see all your favorite bands (from 15 years ago), celebrities from your favorite shows (also from 15 years ago) or venture off to distant lands with people dressed as Lestat.
According to Theme Cruise Finder, there are over 500 cruises that will cater to your fandom.
These themed-cruise packages usually include a few stops in exotic locales, chances to meet your crushes up close and personal (and heavily guarded), a chance to mingle with other fans over unlimited shrimp and, of course, picture opportunities galore.
Take a voyage to exotic locations while you hobnob with like-minded fans and celebrities looking to buy a beach house with the money you paid. Eat with cast members of your favorite show or movie while employees remind you again and again not to touch the talent. Take awkward pictures featuring stars using the “hover hand” technique on you, making sure not to make any actual contact.
Here is just a small sampling of a few upcoming voyages:
Visit the Bahamas with poultry death squad! What better way to represent all that America is than by taking our obsession with guns onto the open sea.
Ranging from $599 to $2,899 for a five day cruise, activities on this Carnival cruise includes meet and greets with Phil, Si and the whole Robertson clan. And I do mean everyone. Even if they were just mentioned in passing on the show, they are on this cruise.
Other activities include eating. There isn’t much else listed.
Sailing from Miami to Jamaica, this hard rocking cruise is already sold out!
If you were lucky enough to get a ticket for the Oct. 30 voyage, you could have rocked the fuck out with KISS, Lita Ford and Steel Panther while visiting…who the hell cares, man. On a boat with Steel Panther and an all-inclusive drink package. SIGN ME UP.
THIS. THIS IS WHY I’M A GOOD PERSON. THIS IS WHAT HEAVEN LOOKS LIKE.
I am truly sad I am missing this one.
The Richard Simmons Cruise
And on the other end of the KISS spectrum, we have this.
If any of the cruises were to ever go rogue and become pirates, my money is on this one.
And yes, it’s a Norwegian Cruise line, the motherland of death metal.
Also including Slayer, Anthrax and Exodus, this cruise is an undeveloped screenplay waiting to happen.
More than anything on this earth, even more than partying with Steel Panther on the open seas, I want this cruise to do battle with the Motorhead Motorboat.
The two go head to head in a battle royale, where eventually the Motorhead fans lay siege to the NKOTB fans, pillaging their rooms and stealing their scrapbooks of past ticket stubs and human hair.
Grab your top hats and old-timely looking goggles, kids. We’re setting sail on the Steampunk Cruise.
The eight-day event includes Steampunk bands, Steampunk lecturers, belly dancing classes (?!?), a bunch of mermaid-themed activities and costuming classes.
Also, many, many cocktail hours. Because the more you drink, the less you can feel that girdle.
The site also boasts a rock-climbing wall. And just to be clear, I would pay big money to see a man dressed in a vest and stove-top hat climb a wall with only his cane.
I’m easily amused.