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| Written by Ray Harrington |
Back To The Future Part II is my favorite movie of all time. (I’ve already resisted the urge for a time-based pun, but I think the first sentence is too early for that.) I adore the movie to a degree that, deep down in my movie geek smugness, makes me mutter with self satisfaction at the fake Facebook posts and the Hoverboard hoaxes.
I adore the movie so much that I just want to list off all the fanboy things I’ve done for Back To The Future, from going to the Lone Pine Mall, to finding the only privately owned DeLorean from the films. Even working with Tom Wilson for a weekend as I quietly geeked out in my head as I performed stand up and tried to figure out the best way to go in for a hug at the end of the shows. (We did hug.) I want to list all of those things and more, but I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging. My dog’s name is Marty.
I’m a fan is what I’m saying, and while I’m thrilled that the day Marty arrived in future Hill Valley is finally here, I worry that we’re focusing on the wrong thing.
Pepsi is releasing a limited “Pepsi Perfect,” a trailer has been released for Jaws 19. I’m sure Nike will taunt us some more with another shoe that seems like it’s sort of, not quite, I-guess-it’s-kind-of-like-the-ones-from-the-movie-but-you-and-I-both-know-they’re-not, sneakers with powerlaces. We may hear more about hoverboards than even I want to hear about.
We’ll all compare our 2015 to the 2015 in the movie. But I don’t think we’re in the 2015 of Back To The Future.
I think we’ve stumbled into the alternate Hill Valley of 1985.
Hear me out.
In the movie, Biff (old Biff in 2015) steals the Gray’s Sports Almanac and brings it to his younger self in 1955, creating an alternate time line where in 1985, Biff has used the Almanac to bet on games for the past 30 years leaving Doc and Marty (and Jennifer. Poor Jennifer just always being left unconscious in random places) in a Hill Valley that’s very different from the one they know.
While we joke about 2015 not looking anything like the movie promised, I think we’re closer than ever to that alternate 1985. You may think I’m crazy, but they thought Emmett Brown was just a weird guy who hung out with a teenager. No, our timelines are far too similar and it all starts with the cause of the alternate 1985.
Donald Trump is Biff Tannen.
Both men are rich, seemingly out of nowhere. They both own casinos with their names on them and they both love calling people losers. The smoking gun though? Not the one that killed George McFly?
The hair. It’s gotta be the hair.
Trump has the Almanac.
Schools are becoming increasingly dangerous.
People are losing their homes to banks.
War is seemingly unending.
Plastic surgery is…. Well… that one I’m still working out.
That’s all dark and awful, I know and I’m sorry to bum you out.
Enjoy Back To The Future Day. Celebrate it and look at the Hill Valley of 2015 not as something to be compared to, but as something we can get to. (at LEAST the dehydrated pizza) If not for us, then for our children. We don’t want them to turn out to be assholes or something. And can someone please check on Jennifer?
(This message paid for by the Committee For The Re-Election of Goldie Wilson)
