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The 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards RANT!

I HEARD YOU MISSED ME, I’M BAAAAAAACK!

Hello followers, friends, and fans.  It’s been a long time since I’ve RANTED  – life got in the way – but now I’m here, and hoping that this show is good!

THE PRE-GAME SHOW

I haven’t had cable for many years now because Time Warner Cable IS A MENACE and became a luxury I could no longer afford, so I’m telling you now that I probably won’t know a lot of the shows and people who will be nominated this evening because now we LIVE IN THE FUTURE, so it’s not just “The Big 3” and HBO – there’s Starz, Netflix, USA, Showtime, YouTube, Go Pro blah, blah, blah – what a world.  

Anyway, the show is on NBC – (I heard that they don’t have ANY SHOWS that were nominated, which sounds crazy) and they wised up a few years back and have their own red carpet thingy –thankfully – because I can’t watch E!

It was hosted by two people I don’t know

Oh, look at that striking blon…waaaaaaaait a minute – IS THAT LADY HOO-HAA?  Zowie!  She’s come a loooooong way baby.

It’s Sylvester Stallone!  And it looks like he’s seen Mickey Rourke’s plastic surgeon…and Donald Trumps makeup Artist – yeeeeeowch!

Oh, look at that girl who’s on that NBC show that’s a ripoff of the movie Memento!  Notice I can’t remember her name at all, but I do know her character on the show is chock-a-clock with tattoos, ha!

Anyway, here she is in a really AMAZING DRESS (the skirt part)  in one of my favorite colors without a bra on, being interviewed by another NBC flunky I don’t know.

Who’s that Brunette who just walked out of Central Casting?  Wait, is that…KATY PERRY?  Great rack, bad dress, HEY KATY, BEACH BLANKET BINGO CALLED…IT WANTS ITS HAIR BACK

Okay, enough of that.


THE SHOW IS STARTING!

Ricky comes out with a beer, cracks a Sean Penn joke (won’t be able to find him when he takes a nap in the back) 
He said he’s gonna be nice to people because he’s changed (Though not as much as Bruce Jenner, who broke down doors for Transgendered people… but not much for women drivers)

Here’s the first award – 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A FILM – Kate Winslet – for Steve Jobs.

BEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES – Rachel Bloom for Crazy Ex Girlfriend.  I’ve heard of it, but have never seen it.  Apparently it’s a musical show, or something.

Boy was SHE excited to win!  I thought she was gonna POP!

BEST TV SERIES COMEDYMozart In The Jungle

Never heard of it, don’t know what channel/network.

Oooooh, that dress of Viola Davis is AMAZING!  I just wish she would stay away from the “smoky eye” look – it is way too dark for her fabulous skin color.

BEST LIMITED TV SERIES OR MOVIEWolf Hall

Never heard of it, don’t know what channel/network/satellite

BEST ACTOR IN A LIMTED TV SERIES OR MOVIE – Oscar Isaac for Show Me A Hero

Never heard of it, don’t know what channel/network/planet

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A LIMITED TV SERIES OR MOVIE –

Christian Slater for Mr. Robot. He looks really good!  His skin is flawless!

I’ve heard of it but never saw it

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – Jamie Foxx presented the award, and when he was about to announce the winner, he made a great Steve Harvey Joke (the Miss Universe fuckup) by saying that Straight Outta Compton won (HYSTERICAL)  – but it was really Ennio Morricone who won for The Hateful Eight! ROTFL!

Quentin Tarantino accepted for him and wonked about how Ennio is his favorite composer…I think he’s drunk.  He should go home.

BEST ACTOR IN A TV DRAMA – Jon Hamm for Mad Men, his 2nd win of 6 nominations – This is his swan song

He was super surprised to win, and really wasted…but not funny at all.  More like a deer in headlights because he didn’t think he was gonna win.

BEST ACTOR COMEDY MOVIE – Matt Damon for The Martian.  That was a comedy? WTF?

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM Inside Out!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A FILMSYLVESTER STALLONE for Creed40 YEARS AFTER ROCKY!  
Oy his puss – his ears, his lips, and he’s as orange as an NBA basketball!  I hope he’s not hanging out with Trump, but at least Sly’s eyes were done correctly instead of being white like The Donald’s eyes.

J-Lo was also too orange/bronzed


BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE – Aaron Sorkin for Steve Jobs

BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES COMEDY – Gael Garcia Bernal for Mozart In The Jungle
I guess I should find and watch this thing.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM – Hungary, Son of Saul

BEST ACTRESS IN A LIMTED TV SERIES OR MOVIE 
Lady Ga Ga for American Horror Story Hotel.  Her speech made me tear up…I guess I need to see that show.

BEST ORIGINAL SONGWritings On The Wall – Sam Smith & Jimmy Napes (from SPECTRE, the James Bond movie)  Sam was gobsmacked

Mel Gibson – WHOA.  He looks hard.  Ricky just asked him, “What the fuck does “Sugar Tits” even mean?”

BEST TV SERIES DRAMAMr. Robot.  Uh oh, Cookie is NOT happy.

It’s 10:00

Here’s Tom Hanks, presenting Denzel Washington with the Cecile B. DeMille Award! He brought his wife and kids up with him!

BEST DIRECTOR OF A MOTION PICTURE – Alejandro G. Inarritu

BEST ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES DRAMA – Taraji P. Henson for Empire!  She handed out cookies on her way to the stage, ROTFL!

And I just LOVE how she pointed out that she won for playing an ex-convict/former Crack dealer, instead of winning for Queenie or her role in The Karate Kid BOOM

OH and when they told her to wrap it up she said, “Wrap it up?  Oh no, it took me 20 years to get here, YOU ‘GON WAIT!”


BOOM!

BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE COMEDY – Jennifer Lawrence for Joy.  What, no Lily Tomlin?  Shit, she lost another award earlier tonight…HMPH

Jim Carey?  He’s won 2 Golden Globes?  What’s with the buzzcut and beard?  All he’s missing is a yarmulke! He’s rambling and drunk.

 

BEST MOTION PICTURE MUSICAN OR COMEDYThe Martian. Ridley Scott (the director) accepted, annnnnnd, I think he’s drunk.  He’s reminding me of Foster Brooks – “The music, I don’t care…screw you!” DRUNK WITH NO FUCKS TO GIVE

It’s 10:48

BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA – Brie Larson for… I forgot.  And, you guessed it – I have NO IDEA who she is.

BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA – Leonardo DiCaprio for The Remnant.  No wait, umm – The Revenant – HE GOT A STANDING OVATION

He went on and on in his speech about the indigenous people of the planet and how we all must respect and save it.  That’s cool.

It’s 10:59

Hey, it’s Han Solo!  He’s here to announce the winner for the 
BEST MOTION PICTURE DRAMA – “And the Golden Globe Glows toooo…The Revenant

And with that, the show ended during the last bits of Mr. Inarritu’s acceptance speech – the credits began to roll and we only heard the voice of Ricky Gervais saying, “That’s it, we’re out of time – shows over.  So Shalom from me and Mel Gibson!”

To sum it all up…

  1. I haven’t had cable for about 5 years, so I didn’t know over half of the shows or the people on them.  Oh well, I still can’t afford cable.
  2. 2 – I don’t see as many movies as I used to.  I’ll get on that.
  3. 

Ricky is still HYSTERICAL!
  4. The show was VERY BORING for the most part so I yawned a LOT.  Maybe they weren’t drunk enough to be funnier!

Well kids, for the beginning of award season, this was pretty much a bust – which is really surprising considering all of the booze that’s at this show.

This does NOT bode well for The Oscars and other award shows.  Oh well.

PS – THIS WAS WEIRD


HAPPY NEW YEAR, see you soon!

Love,
Crystal

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