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The 88th Academy Awards mini-RANT!

Hello friends!

First, I want to extend a big MEA CULPA for being so late with my RANT – I had a singing gig during the broadcast on Sunday night, and my friend who usually DVR’s the show for me forgot to do so…and silly me thought, “That’s cool, I’ll watch it on my iPad by getting the ABC application, no problem!

Well, I was wrong.

I got home after an 18 hour day, thinking things would be easy, but as usual, they weren’t.

Turns out, the only way you can use that application, YOU HAVE TO HAVE CABLE, which I do not.  Can’t afford it.

Okay, just Google it – SOMEONE will have it!

I tried 5 different places, and they were all a bust – only showing highlights, only showing the first half hour, blah, blah, blah.

I got bupkis!

Then, my wonderful Editor Stefan sent me a link via Dropbox. Hey, I downloaded it just fine! I started to watch it, YAY IT WORKS!

Then I foolishly tried to “rewind” it a little to double check something, and it FROZE…FUCK!

I waited patiently for about 20 minutes. Then I tried playing it again – nothing happened… Shit

So I deleted that window, went back to my email, opened it up and downloaded it again, I started watching it and everything was fine. Then after about 20 minutes it just froze. FUCK!

I went through this 6 times.

I had to wake up at 6:30 am, and it was going on 3 am.

I cried myself to sleep.

So, the following is my mini RANT on what I saw. I’m sure you non-Luddite folks can find the whole thing somewhere, but I’m telling you not to bother…it was a BIG yawn to me.

Chris Rock’s opening monologue is great, right outta the box, and he got DEEP with it!

“Me boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rhianna’s panties…I wasn’t invited!”

Whoops – he mispronounced Charlize Theron’s name oh well.

This year the ceremony is going to run in a different order. Meaning the categories will be switched up to “track the filmmaking process” – the first one is…

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY – SPOTLIGHT

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY – THE BIG SHORT

Pretty boring so far…BUT WAIT! Chris Rock comes out and talked about how hard it is for Black actors to get opportunities, then an AMAZING filmed short that featured some of the funniest Black folks places in nominated films – HYSTERICAL!



Oh shit, Stacey Dash!

That shit bombed worse than anything EVER, WOWZA!

And now, Sarah Silverman is cracking LAME James Bond jokes. And now, Sam Smith singing his nominated Bond movie theme.

He sounds phlegmy. Like he ate an extra cheese pizza about 20 minutes before hitting the stage.

THIS SUCKS!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, oh, now it’s the

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – ALICIA VIKANDER

And now,

BEST COSTUME DESI…oh who cares?

Here’s Steve Carrell and Tina Fey cracking lame jokes before announcing the

BEST PRODUCTION DESI…when is this gonna get funny?

So bloody boring!

BEST MAKEUP & HAIRSTYLES – MAD MAX FURY ROAD

well DUH.

Oh SHIT – the source I’m using just froze.

I HATE LIVING IN THE FUTURE!

‘Ya know what?

The tension in the theatre was so thick you could cut it with a knife, which made everyone stiff and not that funny. I was bored to tears and really could have cared less about the show.

Rock did the best he could under the circumstances.

I wish Spike had shown up and ripped everyone a new one…THAT would have made things more interesting.

Oh well – that’s it. I’m throwing out my iPad.

See ya in the funny papers!

Love,
Crystal

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